Reeling from the News

Posted by on Apr 4, 2017 in Blog | 0 comments

Since relocating back to New York almost eighteen years ago I’ve had to do something I never have before.  Accept one’s passing.  Thankfully I wasn’t very close to any of my three family members so I wasn’t too affected by their loss but when I lost my dog more than seven years ago it destroyed me more than words could ever express.  We all knew he was ill though I chose to entirely block it out (something I’ve done my entire life when faced with hardship) while believing he could somehow be miraculously be cured.  While the agony has somewhat subsided over time it’s something I’ll never get over.  I was hoping that would be the last loss I’d ever have but that all changed at around 5:oo a.m. this morning when I was told my cousin had passed away.


He was especially close to my family always coming over for holidays and in general.  He’d been ill on and off for many years with the disease I hate more than anything possible so much to the point where I can’t even write it that begins with the letter C. While I knew it could be his demise one day I once again chose to ignore it first off because not dealing with the harshness of reality is a lot easier than having to face it and secondly because he’d been diagnosed with this abhorrent illness several times before and through various treatments beat it so I naturally thought and hoped this would be like the other times but unfortunately it wasn’t.


I’m working later tonight and I really wish I’d gone in early so as not to have gone over a family member’s house and hear about all the arrangements which need to be made.  Again it’s a lot simpler to just shut it all out and enter a world of fantasy as a way of handling or in my case not handling this but I had to face it along with being there for my mother.  The problem is I’m in such shock I can’t even shed a tear. Both my mother and aunt have been crying all day but I’m still in such a state of disbelief it hasn’t hit me yet.  I know it’s going to and it’s gonna be very bad when that happens.


I understand when people who’v lost someone do certain things that others simply can’t comprehend such as throwing themselves into their work, projects and even self-medicate just to name a few as a way of not coming to terms with with their loss. They not only can’t accept it they don’t want to.  I really wish I could sit on my bed and completely immerse myself inside movies as a way of coping with what I still can’t believe.  Only I can’t.  Had I known how truly ill my cousin was maybe I could accept it but the fact that within four short weeks he went from being healthy to deteriorating so quickly I just can’t.  My uncle who passed away years ago had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease and it was a prolonged disease which we all prepared for but this was so sudden I still can’t process it.


What I’m dreading most of all is knowing that I’m going to have to see my cousin who I’ve known my entire life and who was constantly around lying in a casket and I don’t know how I’l be able to handle it. Will I have accepted him being gone prior to the mass or will I entirely close my eyes to the truth until that dreaded day when I will have no choice but to accept it head-on?


I know there are several stages of grief when dealing with a loved one’s passing the first being denial but I don’t want to have to get to the next level though I know I have no choice but to.  Maybe it’s a good thing I am working tonight so I can at least focus on work and not think about what I can’t accept has happened.  So much heartache when facing reality yet so much pleasure when living in a fantasy.

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